When The Solution Is Simple...God Is Answering ..hmm

Thinking about my temparament, I was always a self entertaining person. Never did I feel the need of outside world to make me feel good or happy for that reason....then why now!!!! The question seemed weird to me, but then the answer was so simple! I was just wondering about how i am feeling and I was confused when suddenly a mail popped in...which literally seemed like answers to all the confusion i had in my mind!!! Actually more than answers the mail seemed like someone read my feelings and expressed it in words. The first one went like:

"Sometimes you got to smile and walk away hold in your tears and pretend you are ok. It happens, but life goes on. Our reason for living is not in the things we acquire, but in the collection of memories,loves and friendships we gain along the way."

Yeah, tell me that! I have been always known as the smiling face, but ask me how hard it was to have that broad smile on my face while somewhere deep down my heart was weeping trying to find its way through tears. It was neither easy nor was it that pleasant as it seemed to the world. But yeah still LIFE GOES ON....

The second one went like this:-

"Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anyone & you don't want to smile & you don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you really don't know what's exactly wrong either?"

Ask my sissie dear, my cousins and some of my good friends. Had a hell lott of those days. Many of them call me moody for that..lolzz. But those are the days that give you time for introspection....and guess what today was one of those blessed days. I was online the whole time, but did not want to speak to any one at all. Sometimes solitude brings out the best in you!!

The third one was the most convincing one for me :

"One mistake can ruin your life, but it depends on how you take it, you can take that mistake and turn it around and learn from it. Have courage"

Yeah sure, don't know if I could turn it around, but I did learn a lot of things and qualities that I need in myself so as to fit in well within the social world. But was it necessary to pay such a High price? And talking about courage, courage is not the absence of fear...it is when you and you alone are aware of the fact that you are scared to death. This is fun, people just belive that you had the courage to fight, its just how well you can act and control your facial expressions.

This one just came as an answer to Sheetal's love for me :

"Sometimes people have hurt us. We ask ourselves, "Why me?" I say,"Why not me?" The things we go through in life happen for a reason and help prepare us for the next step in life. Have faith in yourself and anything you want will happen. Always go forward, don't go backward."

Its just not possible to go backward in such cases, because unlike our computer systems, there is no "undo" system in relations and love. You just love them. Its not you who failed in your love, its just that they either don't deserve your love or its just that their need was fulfilled and they had to move on...now its time for us to move on.

The last one was the best. I think this is the solution to all our problems today:

"We could all take a lesson from crayons, some are bright, some are beautiful, some are dull, some are short, some are tall, and some have weird names. But they all have to learn to live in the same box."

I think its high time that we learn to be one of the colours of this beautiful world. The whole world can be explained in this one sentence! A single family, even two real sisters, have different colours, though they grow together. Then why not learn to accept the differences of the people we meet with the same grace as we do with our loved ones!!!

But as rightly said by someone, human speices is the most funny speices. It knows it all but seldom know where to use it..lolzz. Its always easier said than done !!

Who is that someone...I am sure you wont take this one (Another trait commonly found in human behavior..they are curious to know but when you tell them the truth they dont belive you..hehe)

Life Was Never So Bad ....Why Does It Get Worse Every Time !!!!!

Today, thanks to someone, its complete 3 nights that I havent slept a wink. But right now it is not my insomnia that is bothering me, its actually my life which itself is become a huge concern. Actually I am not blaming that person for making me sleepless, i am thanking him. He brought realisation in my life. I had forgotten that I am a loser, who does not deserve the care and attention that i am getting from my family and few of my good friends. They care for me, not because I deserve it, its because they are nice and decent human beings.

I was a optimist supreme in my life, thanks to my family and also the circumstances which made me believe that life is positive. But last 10 years life is treating me like a toxic waste and every time it does, I rise up like the Lotus in a muddy pond, ready to bloom, if only it gets one beam of sunlight. But unfortunately the darkness in my life went on increasing. Every time i was knocked down by life's lessons, I used to stand up with full confidence and "positive" attitude..lol.. and now people call me pessimisst. Ask me how hard it is to get knocked down every time you rise up. The story of Alexander learning from the spider sounds inspiring during our good times. Its when your dreams start shattering in front of your eyes, that you forget abut inspirations and get on your heels to save them from further destruction. And for the spider, I bet my life on this one that had it been knocked down the 11th time , it sure would have given up !!!

I dont understand why I am writing this, I dont know if things are making sense when you read the complete post. But seriously things are getting out of hand, actually they are becoming unbearable. Since last three nights I am crying my heart out and I still dont feel any better. The days are spared not because I dont feel the pain during the aytime ...but because I cannot let my parents see the tears, they wont be able to bare it. I dont know what is hurting me more--- the insecure future, or the absence of the desired happiness in my life or is it the intolerance of failures or is it the indifference of the Supreme power which we address as God , the most trusted energy in my life. I really am not able to apprehend what exactly is bothering me, but yeah one thing is sure I certainly have no energy left in me to rise up again.

As a second Mom to my niece I know how much it hurts when you see tears in your baby's eyes. I always thought that the Supreme power had the heart of a mother. But then why are my tears not affecting HIM. Why is it for the last 10 years things just get worse with the start of each new day. As a firm believer in karma theory I have no answers to which of my Karmas are paying their debt, because since childhood I have been brought up with a God fearing attitude wherein you do good so that God does not punish you. But as we matured we were told that God never punishes, He just loves. And love knows to forget and forgive.

And lo ....I have no idea how and where these concepts fit in my Life. Never been that bad that would hurt someone so much that I could make them cry their heart out. I dont say I have been a saint with No Mistakes ...I am damn sure of my capacities of hurting some people unknowingly or unintentionally ..after all you can never please everyone on this planet.

I have no idea what I have been saying so long ..or if you can draw a "Moral of the Story" but one thing is sure I am not been able to put my inner most feelings and fears in words ever in my life time...and I guess I will never be able to!!!!!!

Matter Of Perspectives

Things were never the same in the last 20 years. For better or worse things and life went on takin topsy turvy curves and I was left helpless. But the spirit did not die. There was always a hope that said You are destined to be where you want, Hold On ....dont let it lose ...times will change.

In the last few years I realised that most of the things are based not on realities, but purely on perspectives. Its not what I was looking at ...Its how I looked at it. And it is a sad truth that many of us fail to realise it. If you just take a flash back on your life you may realise that most of the times that you had fights with your closed ones were so stupid that given a chance you would change the whole situation. But sadly that is another misconception, because changing the situation would not help us either.... Initially I used to fight and fight and then when my sissie used to tell me to be quiet for the moment, I used to insist on "why should I give up when I am right".Yeah I was right!...right from my point of view, the other person had something else to say. His or her experiences were different than mine and so the perspectives were different.

And then gradually I started realising that in all those situations I just needed to change my perspective. And if in case I cannot change the perspective I can atleast accept the other person's perspective gracefully!!!!!

Life is not a blck and white picture. Life is full of colours. If everyone starts liking one colour, Imagine the world would be such a boring place to live ....you cant imagine !!!!!..Oh common ,, look at all those people you see every morning....OOPS they all are in the same coloured dress...and what the hell ...you too are. Now I am sure you dont like the colour any more. he he ...Kidding

When You Trust The Wrong Person....

It is 01.00 hrs and I am writing this post. The funniest part was that I had logged out of my blogging account and suddenly someone signed in into yahoo messenger and that made me ignore my procrastination and write this post.

I know its all confusing. You know recently one of my friend had put on a status message that said "It is just that when I find the Key to success that some one changes the Lock",...I found this Quote a little funny but still a Fact that we deny to accept when we are successful. Any way lets not get into that, the reason why I thought of this Quote was that I recently had a similar experience but with a different context. To Re-Quote it with my experience it goes as "It is just that when I start feeling i can trust people all over again , Some one comes and shatters my trust."

There is this friend of mine whom I never trusted from the begining since we have met. The major reason behind that was that my Mom and my Sissie dear never liked him. So it was kindda easy to not trust him. But sometimes your heart gets carried away with sweet talks , even though deep inside your heart or you may say your brain keeps on reminding you that he is not the right person whom you can rely on.

My childhood has been the most amazing experience of my life. There have been the most positive and lovable experiences throughout my childhood. But for the last 6 to 7 years i have been surrounded by hell lot of negative people. I have ran through their jealousies, anger, hate, sadist behaviours ....and many more which I dont even remember. Why just the last 7 years, the lousiest thing in my life was that I was the best friend of the most negative gal I have ever seen. Anyway lets not talk about it either.

Negativities do not affect you till you are successful. They start bothering you when you are losing something in life, or may be everything in life. That is when you are vulnerable to the slightest hurt. It is then that you start realising the pain of some one betraying you.

Coming back to the topic, let me explain why some one signing in on messenger inspired me to write this post. This friend of mine and me used to chat a lot these days. We used to have a strange comfort level, and I could sense that from him to. I literaly used to miss him if we did not chat for more than two days. It was not his looking good or his charm that bowls gals which was bringing him closer to me each day.....it was the sharing of thoughts that got me closer to him. I never looked for any kind of relationship with him, but pure intellectual and emotional support. But I guess I trusted the wrong person this time as well.

Suddenly he started behaving weird as in there was some kind of stress when we spoke. He always denied the fact that he is behaving weird...but he was. First I thought it was my mistake because I used to talk to one of his Best friends and there was something i said about this guy to his best friend which might be interpreted in the wrong way...you never know. And so i tried my level best to communicate and kept on asking if he was mad at me, which he denied.

I was disturbed .... I did not want any kind of misunderstanding to spoil our friendship. So I tried communicating it over the chats but somehow the problem did not get solved. It was kindda getting worse. So then I took the Initiative and spoke to him personally. But even this was misunderstood. It increased his confidence.

But this time his misunderstanding proved out to be favourable for me. Not that the communication gap between us was not solved. It sure was!!!!!!! It brought him back to the old comfort level with me, but still there was some difference which i was not able to apprehend. But yesterday's chat with him came like an answer to all my Questions!!!!!

We were casually speaking about things that were taking place in our respective lives. He started telling me about his new crush. We were discussing about it and then something popped up about our friendship, and as an answer he said something that No Gurl would....gossssssshhhhhhhhhhh those words were like ...if there was any one else other than him I surely would have slapped the person then and there. He took it all wrong. I was just trying to save our friendship, nothing more. He was never my type of guy.

Anyway, but it was good that he said that to me that day. because how else would I know the kind of attitude he holds towards me, or for that reason any gurl. I failed to understand him, he was not just "Not My Types"...but he was "Not Fit To Be A Husband Types" . I realised that he is those type of guys who can never respect women. No, No dont get me wrong, I am not starting all the women liberation talks. Just that did not like his attitude towards gals.

My Life's journal

Today while I was walking down the street, all by myself , n was reading the pages of my life’s Journal, each n every entry was inscribed on the memory list....I observed that each day was a new, fresh and a different entry ...but still the years seemed to be the same ...why so much Irony in life ....where did I go wrong .....or was it just plain destiny playing games .....whatever it was ...whose fault was it any way...I knew one thing that I dare not ask "Why Me "...coz I m not too sure if I have been so good all my life .....but I desperately feel....Why so many years ....why did it not End .... Gosh ...I sure know that I haven’t been that bad after all...
Suddenly I realized that all through the beginning years of my life I had the "masti" ...of me doing things ....when God was showering his blessings ...I was enjoying the waves of the SEA OF PRIDE that "Deepika can do no wrong"..."if I want I will do it"..."there is nothing called as luck"....every word and belief in my life had the stink of Ego n false Pride ....yeah true that I wasn’t treating people around me that bad..but then I wasn’t even treating my life that fine as well ...I had to realize that He, the All Mighty was giving me all that I deserved for my good deeds .....He tried every way to wake me up and let go off my pride ....but no I dint have the smartness required to grab the opportunity of learning it in a sweet way....so He had to play His games and make me learn ....make me realize the worth of people around me ....the worth of the silent love of my Mom, Dad, Kalputai, Nandumama, my brothers,...the worth of Invisible presence of Pratap Mama, Kiron Mami,....the worth of Every thing in my life which was "Just Perfect"….hmmm …there I go answering my own Questions …yet creating a space in them….
Today when I can see the difference between the things I can do and the things God can …I suddenly realize that I cannot do anything without his consent ….the silent message that runs through His unanswered prayers…
But then one thing still bothers me. Why so many years …. The most non-convincing answers that I get from people around me are “you have not seen life as yet, it happens to every body dear”, or “you don’t know how worse it can get(WOW…THAT IS ONE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT I WAS WAITING TO HEAR AND NOW I AM SO FULL OF ENTHUSIASM….maybe to face the worse..lol), or may be “you have not seen --many people have hell lot of bigger problems than this(tell me about it …may be I am blind coz I see a lot of happy teenagers around me)”….oh oh but the funniest one that leaves me dumb struck is …..”its all a result of your past karmas(what karmas are you talking about …..if I have been so bad in my last birth then why did I take birth in the most loving and ideal supportive family….)…..and there it goes ….the spaces in my answered Questions.
Recently my Mom asked me a beautiful Question….she said “what is bothering you so much, deepu…we all are here for you”, and then I realized that the failures of my life did not bother me that much ….what bothers me the most right now is the HELPLESSNESS that cripples me ….that says things are not in my control….the helplessness & disability of not being able to do something for my family ….the helplessness & disability of being dependant on Mom n Dad, its not Ego that hurts any more …it is the sense of duty that bothers me now …..
I don’t know how far am I going to pull my life like this …but I am damn sure of one thing that disability of any kind …may it be of the body or of the mind …. Stabs your heart much more deeper than the wounds of an hurt Ego….
hmmmmmmm....when things go wrong ....going through each day seems to be an eternity but still when you look back ....7 years just faded away.....
Deepu