My Life's journal

Today while I was walking down the street, all by myself , n was reading the pages of my life’s Journal, each n every entry was inscribed on the memory list....I observed that each day was a new, fresh and a different entry ...but still the years seemed to be the same ...why so much Irony in life ....where did I go wrong .....or was it just plain destiny playing games .....whatever it was ...whose fault was it any way...I knew one thing that I dare not ask "Why Me "...coz I m not too sure if I have been so good all my life .....but I desperately feel....Why so many years ....why did it not End .... Gosh ...I sure know that I haven’t been that bad after all...
Suddenly I realized that all through the beginning years of my life I had the "masti" ...of me doing things ....when God was showering his blessings ...I was enjoying the waves of the SEA OF PRIDE that "Deepika can do no wrong"..."if I want I will do it"..."there is nothing called as luck"....every word and belief in my life had the stink of Ego n false Pride ....yeah true that I wasn’t treating people around me that bad..but then I wasn’t even treating my life that fine as well ...I had to realize that He, the All Mighty was giving me all that I deserved for my good deeds .....He tried every way to wake me up and let go off my pride ....but no I dint have the smartness required to grab the opportunity of learning it in a sweet way....so He had to play His games and make me learn ....make me realize the worth of people around me ....the worth of the silent love of my Mom, Dad, Kalputai, Nandumama, my brothers,...the worth of Invisible presence of Pratap Mama, Kiron Mami,....the worth of Every thing in my life which was "Just Perfect"….hmmm …there I go answering my own Questions …yet creating a space in them….
Today when I can see the difference between the things I can do and the things God can …I suddenly realize that I cannot do anything without his consent ….the silent message that runs through His unanswered prayers…
But then one thing still bothers me. Why so many years …. The most non-convincing answers that I get from people around me are “you have not seen life as yet, it happens to every body dear”, or “you don’t know how worse it can get(WOW…THAT IS ONE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT I WAS WAITING TO HEAR AND NOW I AM SO FULL OF ENTHUSIASM….maybe to face the worse..lol), or may be “you have not seen --many people have hell lot of bigger problems than this(tell me about it …may be I am blind coz I see a lot of happy teenagers around me)”….oh oh but the funniest one that leaves me dumb struck is …..”its all a result of your past karmas(what karmas are you talking about …..if I have been so bad in my last birth then why did I take birth in the most loving and ideal supportive family….)…..and there it goes ….the spaces in my answered Questions.
Recently my Mom asked me a beautiful Question….she said “what is bothering you so much, deepu…we all are here for you”, and then I realized that the failures of my life did not bother me that much ….what bothers me the most right now is the HELPLESSNESS that cripples me ….that says things are not in my control….the helplessness & disability of not being able to do something for my family ….the helplessness & disability of being dependant on Mom n Dad, its not Ego that hurts any more …it is the sense of duty that bothers me now …..
I don’t know how far am I going to pull my life like this …but I am damn sure of one thing that disability of any kind …may it be of the body or of the mind …. Stabs your heart much more deeper than the wounds of an hurt Ego….
hmmmmmmm....when things go wrong ....going through each day seems to be an eternity but still when you look back ....7 years just faded away.....
Deepu