Life Was Never So Bad ....Why Does It Get Worse Every Time !!!!!

Today, thanks to someone, its complete 3 nights that I havent slept a wink. But right now it is not my insomnia that is bothering me, its actually my life which itself is become a huge concern. Actually I am not blaming that person for making me sleepless, i am thanking him. He brought realisation in my life. I had forgotten that I am a loser, who does not deserve the care and attention that i am getting from my family and few of my good friends. They care for me, not because I deserve it, its because they are nice and decent human beings.

I was a optimist supreme in my life, thanks to my family and also the circumstances which made me believe that life is positive. But last 10 years life is treating me like a toxic waste and every time it does, I rise up like the Lotus in a muddy pond, ready to bloom, if only it gets one beam of sunlight. But unfortunately the darkness in my life went on increasing. Every time i was knocked down by life's lessons, I used to stand up with full confidence and "positive" attitude..lol.. and now people call me pessimisst. Ask me how hard it is to get knocked down every time you rise up. The story of Alexander learning from the spider sounds inspiring during our good times. Its when your dreams start shattering in front of your eyes, that you forget abut inspirations and get on your heels to save them from further destruction. And for the spider, I bet my life on this one that had it been knocked down the 11th time , it sure would have given up !!!

I dont understand why I am writing this, I dont know if things are making sense when you read the complete post. But seriously things are getting out of hand, actually they are becoming unbearable. Since last three nights I am crying my heart out and I still dont feel any better. The days are spared not because I dont feel the pain during the aytime ...but because I cannot let my parents see the tears, they wont be able to bare it. I dont know what is hurting me more--- the insecure future, or the absence of the desired happiness in my life or is it the intolerance of failures or is it the indifference of the Supreme power which we address as God , the most trusted energy in my life. I really am not able to apprehend what exactly is bothering me, but yeah one thing is sure I certainly have no energy left in me to rise up again.

As a second Mom to my niece I know how much it hurts when you see tears in your baby's eyes. I always thought that the Supreme power had the heart of a mother. But then why are my tears not affecting HIM. Why is it for the last 10 years things just get worse with the start of each new day. As a firm believer in karma theory I have no answers to which of my Karmas are paying their debt, because since childhood I have been brought up with a God fearing attitude wherein you do good so that God does not punish you. But as we matured we were told that God never punishes, He just loves. And love knows to forget and forgive.

And lo ....I have no idea how and where these concepts fit in my Life. Never been that bad that would hurt someone so much that I could make them cry their heart out. I dont say I have been a saint with No Mistakes ...I am damn sure of my capacities of hurting some people unknowingly or unintentionally ..after all you can never please everyone on this planet.

I have no idea what I have been saying so long ..or if you can draw a "Moral of the Story" but one thing is sure I am not been able to put my inner most feelings and fears in words ever in my life time...and I guess I will never be able to!!!!!!