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Are you sure you want me describe myself ...coz i m myself confused

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Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

Seriously just dont know anything about Me...:)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Journey from 2008 to 2009

It has been hell lot of time since I have touched this page. I had to clear the cob-webs on the page before I could start writing ..lolzz

It has been an hectic 2008, but a fun-filled one as well. It did not start as exciting as it ended... or should say, as exciting as the journey through it. It started in March when I joined UHCi on 13th March 2008 and since then have enjoyed every moment of my life, till January 2009. The Gold Medal in UHCI cricket tournament, the Oscar for the Best Solo dancer during the
Oscar Theme-Annual Bash, some of the loviliest friends like Anupa, Ninad, Snehalesh, Ashish, Sagar, Partha, Shefali, Yuvraj, Vaishali... who helped me not to lose faith in friendships... and many more treasurable moments of fights and caring in UHCi which made me fall in love with the place and the organization.

And then came Jan 2009...January 2009... hmm ... That was the time that came to me as "blow your ass off" period. It all came together. My boss was turning into a 'Typical Stereo Type' one.. Actually she was always like that, just that I failed to notice her cruel side which was extra sugar coated in the "I care for you" and "I really want to help you grow"
Marshmallows. And then when she could not manage her own stuff, she started putting the total blame on me and started taking off the sugarcoats only to make me realize there were no Marshmallows underneath, just the bitter medicine that a wrong doctor prescribed and were no good to me and only added up to the side effects they always carry.

Let me take you a little back in time. It was November 2008, when Kalputai
and Mahesh landed in Mumbai with her a month n Half baby boy Ahaan, the smart 4 year old Nupur. It was beautiful as we met after almost 4 years. Things were a little vulnerable then. I had to balance things and time between my family and job. It was not as simple as it seems, because kids and babies have their own "timetable" which just doesn't match with ours, at any instance. My sleeping hours had started going haywire. But still, it was quite fine till January 2009 when my sister along with the two kids had come to our place for a four month stay. As AWESOME as it was, it had its own cons. But to that... sometime later.

Anyways it started ... as it should .. beautifully. But eventually as if the whole world was conspiring against me, the work load at the office also began to increase substantially(which later on, I realized was not the world conspiring against me, it was just the my insecure Boss). She thought it was the best time she could load me with work which due to family commitments I could not complete, and eventually she will make it look like "performance issues". But she failed, as I started staying late, post office hours and finish the maximum possible jobs in a day. Not so important as to how bad she was, just that it was really bad at the work front and there were two little angels waiting back at home one with a "Deepu Paachi" and other with an "da da da da " when they saw me ... in most excited form you can ever imagine the kids to say when they see you after a long time!!!!!

And with all this too tangled up in my life there was someone more to make me emotionally vulnerable. Anyways that is not so important to waste even a line on. Still my life was nothing more exciting than a Roller coaster ride. One moment the adrenaline just rushed to its peak and the next moment it killed me with depression. With this kind of mixed emotions, I finally decided to quit my job by the end of January 2009, at least so that I could give my whole time to the real Happiness... the two little honey buns at home and also spend some quality time with my parents and Kalputai. But then Kalputai somehow talked me into keeping up the job. She had a logical explanation to it. She thought I was getting kind of emotional in making this decision... and that I would actually need this job somewhere in future when the kids and Kalputai would return back to their hometown and I would feel the emptiness if I was sitting idle at home. So I continued .. and just when Kalputai left for Canada, my "so much caring" boss talked me into a Resignation, in her interest. And everything just collapsed. I mean, the reason that could not allow me to spend time with my kiddos, was taken away from me, just when I needed it the most. The emptiness at this moment was HUMONGOUS. It was like she was waiting for the 'right time' to kick me off... and all either because she wanted to save her job, or she her sheer insecurity and jealousy.
Whichever is true, both reasons suck. The woman who could (by her manipulations), get her 3 Appraisals done in one year(each time 30%), tells me that the company is not doing well and so the appraisals could not go well with me (3% in the whole year!!!!) The major reason, now I realize was that she had submitted my review really bad, to show how much hard work she does, she had always exhibited my work as her work, especially in Recruitment (which she handled only 5% since she started supporting ER)!!! She will pay for it some day.. but today it Kills me !!!

2009, the most beautifully started year, that just did not keep its initial attraction going!! Coming back to the four months when the kids were at home, the pros are obvious.. the beauty of having a child home is indescribable in words... but the cons yep u can list them... they sleep and wake up at their own timings, they love to play karate and fights just when it the "perfect" time to go to sleep. midnight 00.00 hrs.. and of course that they feel left out if you explain them the time constraints... The innocent face that can get you into the most disastrous situations with no regrets is the beauty of a child at home... and I had two of them .... AWESOME

And my Bad luck that I had to tolerate some of the most Awful faces in the office, just like the world conspiring against me, all in my damn Department!!! Finally to give up with both at the same time and leaves me with a lott of unanswered questions.

Today, I am here with nothing to lose, most friendships suck and "Do not Trust Anyone" concepts, and to add up the Icing ...Guys, most of them fake it when they say "I love you and I would be there for you when you need me" belief.

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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Thank You For Everything ......

For many years now I have felt like outsiders have been taking undue advantage of my "FORGET AND MOVE ON" attitude. But recently when that feeling creeped in ma mind in context with my closed ones, I thought that it needed an extra attention.

I just realised that the feeling needed more introspection and a different angle or perspective of looking at. It was simple, whatever that we do we are selfish enough that we do it because it gives us happiness. The sorrow part is always the follow up of the "expectation" that creeps in our mind after we render a favour or help to someone or even ourselves.

Naaah!!! Dont wanna confuse you, but it is so obvious that whenever anyone asks us for any kindda favour, it is completely upto us that we either accept the responsibility of helping that person or simply reject it. Noone, Not a single person other than YOU, yourself can make you do something without your permission. The same logic was applicable to me.

All those outsiders for whom I have been doing favours to get back hatered in return, were just doing what their temperaments asked them to! They are born to be ungrateful, they cannot be good to anyone, may it be gaurav nikarge or sheetal poojari or preshita tamhane.or dheeraj salian ...or anyone else for that reason. It was my decision to help them during their journey with me, all because I have decided that whoever it is, when asks for favour I have to help them. Now noone forces me to do so but I just do it.

Now when it comes to my family and the close-to-my-heart people, I am selfish enough to love them selflessly!!! Confused again ?? Dont be, it is simple. It gives me pleasure and happiness when I see that smile on their face when I do something for them that they expect from me. Imagine yourself in their place. Isnt that a wonderful feeling when you expect something and you get it immediatly? Every human loves it! Even i do!! But my prorities are all set!!! It is always my loved ones before myself. And this is my decision, noone forced me to do this, Then today why am I even complaining when my favours are not returned ....just because I expected that they would be ... So again, my fault.

So then when I gave it a serious thought, I have come to a conclusion, BE GOOD is all that matters to me. And if that is the case I should not be expecting the same from people around me, because they may or maynot think the same way. So all I need to do now is to continue with what makes me happy with "No Strings Attached" concept, keep minimum emotional involvement in any person to whom I render favour or help or even Love !!!

Because Love makes you stronger, Attachment is all that pulls you down in life. So if you come in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, You have helped me grow emotionally, and I am really thankful to you for that. I just Love you for everything you have done for me or even everything you have NOT done for me.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Life in One Month

It is almost a month since 2007 started, and loonnnnng time since i have touched my blog. But today got some time and even heart poured out some words. It was a funny New Year. I started my new year on !st of january with a total new begining at the Ajinkya Consultancy, a small firm who handled recruitment for Prestijious companies. But the mental frame of the main person Mr Jaideep always was conservative!!!

I had started writing a post when I returned back from the office on 1st Jan, but then I was so depressed that I literally couldnot put my feelings in words, although I had a lot of time. In a week that I worked for Ajinkya, I realised this was a real small world and I never want to be a part of this.

Here in this small firm even the so-called CEO (that was his ON-PAPER designation... lol), used to sit around the other employee's table, continuously chatting and laughing. The reason to do so was they were handling the tough profiles and so they needed to be discussed ....QUIET non convincing reason!!! Anyway, they had started side tracking two of us, which was so damn cheap yaar. I mean in an office behave professionally.

Let us forget about it!! I was totally bugged of with this job, when suddenly there was this mail that was looking for an HR person who has handled recruitment for some time by now. I applied for the same and even got selected!! It was quiet unexpected as the HR job was for a corporate and I donot even have a Graduation Degree. But God is grrrrrrrreat. Now I believe it so strongly. This was the interview for Veekay.

I was very clear about my degree, and still they were kind enough to recruit me into their upcoming organisation. Although the last whole week I have been tryin to prove that they have not taken a wrong decision, I will now prove that I am worth more than I have imagined myself to be. For the first 20 days in Ajinkya I did nothing but trying to "manage" our time by sharing a computer. Trust me its tougher than managing a company.It is the most sad thing you can do in an office, shortage of resources.

Anyway, in VeeKay I could manage to do lot of work effortlessly. Because I owned the place, I owned the right to take decisions. People had the trust that I could manage the show, and nothing works better than someone's trust in you.

I saw my life change from worst to amazing in 20 days, just one decision and in a jiffy my life was totally different !!!!!

Monday, January 01, 2007

kalputai nuppa la gheun 1st tym bachha 2mnths chi astaana aali hoti ......she was here 4 arnd #4 mnths ...outta wch 2mnths bth of thm wer at our place ....tya 2 mnths madhe nuppa baal was totally undr ma care takin ......kalputai madhe madhe yeun fakt nuppa la aathavan karun dyachi ..."nuplya me tujhi MA haan ....hi tujhi paachi ...cananda la aapan sobat asnaar ...paachi nasnaar" ...lolzzzthat tch remained in her heart i guess

for 2 mnths I was her mothr ...pillu uthla ki me uthaychi ...ti zopli ki me zopaaychi ...ti mazya javalach zopaychi ...kalputai dusrya room madhe zopaychi ...coz tune khup traas kadhle hote ..due to pregnancy madhe konich motha sobat naslya mule i wantd her to relax for 2 mnths ....n best part was SHE TRUSTED ME WITH HER BABY ...

thn she went back whn baby was 6 mnths.....n u knw wat i nvr thot she wud remembr me ...coz she was a baby whn i took care of her ...n babies r supposed 2 hav short term memory wat i thot thn last yr whn she was 1n 1/2 yrs old ....pillu n mahesh da (her dad) aale hote India la ...kalputai cudnt make it coz of job ...n bacchhha mahesh da kadhe chaan rahte it was feasible enuf

airport la whn v went to receive her ....she was givin evry1 a stern look as if .."kon tumhi" ......hehe e1 mala hi tasach paahila tine at 1st i dint wrry her mch in 5 mins ...haluch he baal aala javal n premane bot pakadla ...gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd it was heaven ....

n aftr dat ...she alwazz needed 2 ppl 4 security and /or mahesh da ....nantar vedu aamcha saglyan shi khelaycha sakaali maza chehra baghitlya shivaay naahi ti kona kade jaanar n for 20 dazz she was at our place w/o mahesh da arnd ...n i was der again 4 her ...

n one day she was playin with all these cousins of mine ...mast challa hota i told dem me patkan aanghol karun yete ...i went t4 a bath ...she some hw din see me arnd mhanoon ...savri baavri gharat firu laagli radat i jst cald her 4m inside the bathroom nuppa aahe ga dat she cud pacify vedi ...dara kade yeun ji oksa bojkshi radu laagli ardhi mele re ....I WAS KILLED baaher aale tar je te veda baal yeun gacchha mithi maarli aahe naa ..saala ...ayushyat DEV bhetla re ....

n abt bein attached to her ....nopes I am NOT ....I just love her n attachment contradict ech oder

n abt me bein her mom .....i dunno If i m a mom to her yeah she wil always b ma 1st child ...

attachment need physical presence of that person to make u feel good jst brings smiles n tears with the thot of that person ....u feel HAppy jst to knw some1 else is makin that person happy enuf ....u need not b thr

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Trek At Rajmachi

Me and Shirish trying to call others as Tarun captures the scene on his Cam

Had the most beautiful day on saturday the 02nd of december 2006. We were planning to meet up this weekend and on friday night during the conference call we all decided to make it to a trek at Rajmachi.

On saturday we all were supposed to meet at thane station. I stood in the ticket line to take the tickets for all of us for the Intercity which has its scheduled arrival sharp at 7.17a.m. at Thane station. But as usual we did not take that train. WHY??????? Come On, you should not be asking this Question is so predictable, some of us were not on time ...oh no it was not Shirish this time ...lolzzz...jokes apart but Tarun, Denzil and Amit ...the Mira road team was late. So we then took the later train "The Koyna Express" at 7.50 a.m.

Five Of Us Posing At The Khandala Station as Denzil Takes Our Pic

This was the first time ever that I travelled in the General compartment. Initially I was a little sceptical, but it was not that bad after all. May be just because I was enjoying the company of my friends it did not make a difference as to how I was travelling. You wont even belive me if I tell you that during the whole travel from thane to Khandala, I did not listen to any music ...certainly unexpected of me!!! The whole trip ali was sitting a little away from all of us, but still shirish was all set to pull his legs..lolzzzz

Amit Trying To Defend Himself As Tarun Supprots Him And Shirish Pulls His Leg !!

I had hardly slept for 1 hr the whole night yesterday, so was feeling a little sleepy initially but then these people are brats,especially when Shirish is around noone can dare to take this risk ...lolzzz I did not dare to sleep!!! Anyway, then we got down at the Khandala station. Oh yeah how could I forget during the complete travel we were receving the calls from atul, who as usual missed the train that we took and now somehow he wanted to join us at any cost. So we asked him to meet us directly at Rajmachi.

He he Nopes, They Are Not Smoking ...Its The Lollipop ...

We all started to walk towards Rajmachi. On our way we bought some stuff to eat. And yeah also a LOLLIPOP for each one of us ...hehe. We reached the Rajmachi Ghat pretty soon but did not feel like any trek ....was a plain road.But we were enjoying throughout. As usual Shirish's favorite and all time target was Ali ...lolzzz gawwwd you try to say something to Ali and Shirish very well alters it to his convinience and pulls Ali's legs. He can embarass anyone like hell, seriously !!! But its fun. And yeah forgot to tell you guys, Amit was continuously speaking the Kabul Language..something like ..."Tum kyon chinta karti, hum do kabile mein sulaa karati ..n stuff ..lolzzz.

Ooooooh That's Really Steeep, Isn't It !!! Shirish Is Trying to Study The Depth I Guess..lolzzz

Then later we discovered a narrow lane going towards the jungle part of Rajmachi. So we took that route to head towards the the so called fort that we could see from the main road. But the road led us to many diversions and each diversion took us to a dead end each time.

But then finally one of the diversions led us to the Railway tracks, which had our destination way towards the hill on the other side of the tracks (and though these people might not give me the credit but this was the diversion which I insisted to take as all of them were saying that it would also lead us to a dead end). We somehow climbed up the way through the hill and reached a place which had a huge rock, stone , whatever you wanna call it . But it sure was not a Fort. But then the whole idea was the trek, not the destination, so it was fine. Then we sat their for some 20-25 mins and had to climb down pretty soon as Atul had finally reached Rajmachi.

On our way back we lost our way a lil bit, but that was not a major problem as we some how had to reach the tracks, which we did ....and in a real trekking way ...lolzzz coz we literally had to help each other climb some part of the route. Amit led us onthis route follwed by me and tarun with denzii, shirish and ali not far,and amit helped us climb that steep slope, ofcourse by takin the support of the trees around. Anyway, soon we were on the right track.

On our route back we were all were dying for a single drop of water as we were short of resources. Naaaaah, not food....I am talking about water, which some of did suggest that we better buy couple of litres more, additionally to the 4 litres total of what me, shirish, denzil and ali carried. But I was sure that would not be enough.Moral of the story ...alwaz take More than necessary water than falling short of it.

Nach Basanti Nach ....hehe..

Anyway, then we somehow reached the Rajmachi main road. But just not far from the road I had a severe sinus pain in my nose and head....gosssssssssssshhh that was killing, but I did not let them know as I did not want to spoil everyone's mood. But then we sat down under the shade of the tree waiting for atul.

The Loooooong Wait For Atul !!!!!

Then me and tarun went to get some water from the nearby huts as the others waited for us and atul. There I realised that humanity is so under rated. I mean poor people are more human than the one's who have enough to give away. There were some well built houses and a small hut in front of them. As we asked for water the lady in the house said that even they did not have enough water to drink so they could not give away any, whereas the woman in the hut rushed inside and without a word gave us two bottles of water. GOD bless her!!!

The Gola Chors...Atul, the Stealer..And The Supporters -- Denzii And Shirish

Anyway when we came back, we all had water and were STILL waiting for atul!!! He had as usual given us the wrong idea as to where he reallly was. Then as we had a little water and a 10-15 minutes break I was feeling a little better. Then we started moving towards the park at Rajmachi. There we found a small snacksbar. We all were damn hungry and so though we all wanted to have some non-veg, we settled down on Misal and Dosas.

The Resting Time Post Lunch In The Park...If Only Atul Stops His Chatter Chatter!!

Anyway after the lunch at around 15.00 hrs , we were all so sleepy, especially because none of us had slept for more than 4 hrs the prior night. I had hardly slept for 1 hour man ...I dont know where do I get all this stamina from !!! I know enough of self-appreciation ;). But then we all were really tired and so we sat down on one of the benches in the park. And as we sat there chit chatting I somehow fell asleep, leaning backwards on the bench, I dont even remember when ..lolzz ...and the sound of clicking of shirish's camera woke me up. So obvious he had taken my picture in the sleeping pose!!!

Finally Atul Is Silent And So I Take A Small Nap On The Historic Bench ....Meine Kiya Usse Historic :d

Then we sat there for some time and then moved around in the garden where these two lover boys denzil and ali bought new Key-chains with their Gals' names inscribed on a single grain of rice, enclosed in a glass tube filled with some solution. That was a cool key-chain but needs High maintainance.

We Missed The Train ....Lucky Indeed!!!

Anyway, we then we started our way back home. We first went to the khandala station, but "LUCKILY" we missed the train to bombay just by 5 minutes (why luckily ...hold on will know in few minutes). The next train was gonna be after 1 n 1/2 hrs and that too at the Lonavla station, which I was fine with. But these people opted for Bus. Somehow I was not convinced even with the Volvo bus ke suddenly someone said we might have to take the ST bus ....gawwwwwwwwd ...could not even imagine!!! General compartment was ok for trying once with friends, but certainly not a ST yaar !!!!!!!

Six Of Us Posing In The Innova.....Just A Miracle ...hmmm

I was somehow getting so nervous all of a sudden. And so lost in thoughts I was walking with all my friends and we reached the main road. We were standing at the diversion thinking of asking someone as to where shall we get the "ST bus" to mumbai and all of a INNOVA slid besides us and stopped in front of our eyes. We all could not belive our luck when he said he can take us all to bombay by only charging us Rs 50 per head. It was one of the situation as if God said "Your wish my command" ...lolzzzz

Me Not In A Good Mood ..Thodhi Der Hi

Somehow after we sat in the car, for sometime initially I had the mood swing phase (the above pic doesnot include me as I was quiet and did not participate in the fun for some time) , but it did not last long, and I was back to my normal self soon(good for me). Tarun and Shirsh, unaware of my mood swings, kept asking me as to what exactly went wrong. But soon they too gave up...hehe. Then we had all the fun listening to the radio, screaming and fultooo masti!!!!!

Denzii Taking A pic From The Last Row in Innova Just To Capture Amit With The Team.

The driver was a cool uncle who did not crib over anything at all. He was even ready to put on the A/c but somehow my sweet little friends did not want it (dont ask me why). Then he dropped us near the Sion station from where shirish took a bus to andheri and rest of us headed towards the station. Then me, ali and atul took the down train towards Kalyan and tarun, denzii, and amit(bawa) took the up train towards Dadar.

And thus we were all on our way back to home sweet home. But my heart knows it and god agrees with me...HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY IN YEARS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The wittyness of Shirish, the silliness of Ali (that always got caught by shirish...hehe), the friendliness of Tarun, the silence of Denzii, the simplicity of Amit, the Pakaaoooing of Atul and last but not the least the patience they all had to bare me..hehe, all summed up to the most memorable experience for lifetime!!! HOPE TO HAVE SUCH EXPERIENCES ALL OVER AGAIN ....


Friday, November 17, 2006

When The Solution Is Simple...God Is Answering ..hmm

Thinking about my temparament, I was always a self entertaining person. Never did I feel the need of outside world to make me feel good or happy for that reason....then why now!!!! The question seemed weird to me, but then the answer was so simple! I was just wondering about how i am feeling and I was confused when suddenly a mail popped in...which literally seemed like answers to all the confusion i had in my mind!!! Actually more than answers the mail seemed like someone read my feelings and expressed it in words. The first one went like:

"Sometimes you got to smile and walk away hold in your tears and pretend you are ok. It happens, but life goes on. Our reason for living is not in the things we acquire, but in the collection of memories,loves and friendships we gain along the way."

Yeah, tell me that! I have been always known as the smiling face, but ask me how hard it was to have that broad smile on my face while somewhere deep down my heart was weeping trying to find its way through tears. It was neither easy nor was it that pleasant as it seemed to the world. But yeah still LIFE GOES ON....

The second one went like this:-

"Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anyone & you don't want to smile & you don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you really don't know what's exactly wrong either?"

Ask my sissie dear, my cousins and some of my good friends. Had a hell lott of those days. Many of them call me moody for that..lolzz. But those are the days that give you time for introspection....and guess what today was one of those blessed days. I was online the whole time, but did not want to speak to any one at all. Sometimes solitude brings out the best in you!!

The third one was the most convincing one for me :

"One mistake can ruin your life, but it depends on how you take it, you can take that mistake and turn it around and learn from it. Have courage"

Yeah sure, don't know if I could turn it around, but I did learn a lot of things and qualities that I need in myself so as to fit in well within the social world. But was it necessary to pay such a High price? And talking about courage, courage is not the absence of is when you and you alone are aware of the fact that you are scared to death. This is fun, people just belive that you had the courage to fight, its just how well you can act and control your facial expressions.

This one just came as an answer to Sheetal's love for me :

"Sometimes people have hurt us. We ask ourselves, "Why me?" I say,"Why not me?" The things we go through in life happen for a reason and help prepare us for the next step in life. Have faith in yourself and anything you want will happen. Always go forward, don't go backward."

Its just not possible to go backward in such cases, because unlike our computer systems, there is no "undo" system in relations and love. You just love them. Its not you who failed in your love, its just that they either don't deserve your love or its just that their need was fulfilled and they had to move its time for us to move on.

The last one was the best. I think this is the solution to all our problems today:

"We could all take a lesson from crayons, some are bright, some are beautiful, some are dull, some are short, some are tall, and some have weird names. But they all have to learn to live in the same box."

I think its high time that we learn to be one of the colours of this beautiful world. The whole world can be explained in this one sentence! A single family, even two real sisters, have different colours, though they grow together. Then why not learn to accept the differences of the people we meet with the same grace as we do with our loved ones!!!

But as rightly said by someone, human speices is the most funny speices. It knows it all but seldom know where to use it..lolzz. Its always easier said than done !!

Who is that someone...I am sure you wont take this one (Another trait commonly found in human behavior..they are curious to know but when you tell them the truth they dont belive you..hehe)


Saturday, November 11, 2006

Nupla Baal called her Poopa Pachi ..hehe

Hey today was such a beautiful day ...First time ever did Nupur called me by ma name. When kalputai called us today morning, nupla baal spoke to me and said "tu kashi aahe poopa pachi " and then when asked to repeat she said "tu kashi aahes deepu pachi "(in a total Donald Duck voice hehe ) ooooooooooh that was choooooo cweet. Those few words washed away all the pains in my life!!!!!

You know what it felt like God kept His hand on my heart. It felt like heaven. I am sure none of us has seen how the most spoken about subject ...THE GOD looks like! But I can assure you one thing if you want to know how far can a God go to fulfil the demands of his loved ones you should see the love of our parents, and if you want to experience the innocence of God, take care of a child for a month!

And I can say I am one of those lucky ones who have experienced the both. Any way coming back to my baby, she then said all those things that she has started speaking, ofcourse on the promptings from Kalputai. Hey the funniest one is that she says "acetone" to ask for an ice-cream cone..lolzz. Then kalputai asked her "tujya aaicha naav kaay"...her immediate response was "kapilaaaa" and when asked "tujhya Pa cha naav kaay?" ...she said " manesh"... oooohhh that was cho chweeeeet I can give up on any thing for her words, mannnn.

Anyway, eventually me and Kalputai had a long chat and then we hung up.

But have had the best day ever !!!!


Monday, November 06, 2006

Love Speaks ...But Not Always In Words

It was one of the most depressing days I was witnessing in the last few weeks. I was taking life a little more seriously than it actually is, I guess. But then at that time everything was getting darker and darker for me. I was getting anxious about my career and my overall "LIFE". For years I have programmed myself to win and watch things work according to my wish. By God's grace my life has been like someone working 24/7 as per my wishes ...what you call--"Your Wish My Command". So Life has been a cake walk for me till Failures started knocking my door.

Anyway the point is that due to all this I could not handle the failures in my life. When things became a little unbearable I gave up and cried my heart out. Last few weeks were a part of my WEAK PHASES in life. But as they say it EVEN THIS WILL PASS AWAY....even that passed away. The best part of those dark days was the realisation of the Unspoken Love in my life. Just because your Mom does not say it often or your Dad does not tell you in words, it does not mean that they dont love you. In the similar way there are many people in our life who never ever say those three words I Love You, but still stand by you when you need to know that you are not alone.

The same thing happened the other day. When I was feeling real lonely and lost, All my cousins and my sissie dear called me the same day just to assure me "dont worry deepu tai we all are here for you". The most touching as well as strengthing my spirits was the call from Varun who called from Dehradun just to ask me what was wrong!! The most touching thing was that he had the patience to call me 7 times as I spoke on the other line to Viraj who called from Singapore to tell me that he missed me ...No way did he say that but his call spoke for him ...hehe ..Any way coming back to Varun, at that moment it was so easy for him to misunderstand me that I did not pick up his call and just let it be !...But No ..he had enough care and concern to wait till I finished the other call, and kept on trying till I picked up his call. He has been always a man of few words but the words he said today will remain with me forever. The first reaction expected after such a long wait is "Where have you been yaar, I am trying for so long(in an irritated tone) !" But the first thing he said was " Kaay zalaa Deeputai tula ...bari aahes naa?..Itki ka depress zaali aahes!" And at the end of the conversation there was an assurance that said " Aamhi aahot naa deeputai ..kashala kaalji kartes"

Hmm those words acted like a cool soothing breeze during a Hott sunny afternoon, like the warmth of a blanket through the cold dreadful night!! The irony is that we keep on running behind the people who never care for us, and ignore those who love us so much!

The same day morning Kalputai called just because she kept on remembering me the whole day (her day night when I was thinking of none other than her as I cried)....telepathy works i guess. She never ever says that she loves me, even though I keep on saying it to her a 1000 times ...she just reacts with a dry tone " aww ok yaar, same to you"he he !! But the funniest part is that there is no one in this world who has understood me better than her, not even my mom.Not that my mom does not understand me at all but i need to tell her what I mean, which seldom happens with Kalputai. I have seen tears roll down her cheeks as she tried to calm me down saying "aga deepu sagla neat hoil ...dheer dhar" huh ...

Its such a blessed life to have so many people loving you so much, and these stupid failures bother me so much ..huh ...Need to improve I guess!!!


Thursday, October 26, 2006

Life Was Never So Bad ....Why Does It Get Worse Every Time !!!!!

Today, thanks to someone, its complete 3 nights that I havent slept a wink. But right now it is not my insomnia that is bothering me, its actually my life which itself is become a huge concern. Actually I am not blaming that person for making me sleepless, i am thanking him. He brought realisation in my life. I had forgotten that I am a loser, who does not deserve the care and attention that i am getting from my family and few of my good friends. They care for me, not because I deserve it, its because they are nice and decent human beings.

I was a optimist supreme in my life, thanks to my family and also the circumstances which made me believe that life is positive. But last 10 years life is treating me like a toxic waste and every time it does, I rise up like the Lotus in a muddy pond, ready to bloom, if only it gets one beam of sunlight. But unfortunately the darkness in my life went on increasing. Every time i was knocked down by life's lessons, I used to stand up with full confidence and "positive" and now people call me pessimisst. Ask me how hard it is to get knocked down every time you rise up. The story of Alexander learning from the spider sounds inspiring during our good times. Its when your dreams start shattering in front of your eyes, that you forget abut inspirations and get on your heels to save them from further destruction.
And for the spider, I bet my life on this one that had it been knocked down the 11th time , it sure would have given up !!!

I dont understand why I am writing this, I dont know if things are making sense when you read the complete post. But seriously things are getting out of hand, actually they are becoming unbearable. Since last three nights I am crying my heart out and I still dont feel any better. The days are spared not because I dont feel the pain during the aytime ...but because I cannot let my parents see the tears, they wont be able to bare it. I dont know what is hurting me more--- the insecure future, or the absence of the desired happiness in my life or is it the intolerance of failures or is it the indifference of the Supreme power which we address as God , the most trusted energy in my life. I really am not able to apprehend what exactly is bothering me, but yeah one thing is sure I certainly have no energy left in me to rise up again.

As a second Mom to my niece I know how much it hurts when you see tears in your baby's eyes. I always thought that the Supreme power had the heart of a mother. But then why are my tears not affecting HIM. Why is it for the last 10 years things just get worse with the start of each new day. As a firm believer in karma theory I have no answers to which of my Karmas are paying their debt, because since childhood I have been brought up with a God fearing attitude wherein you do good so that God does not punish you. But as we matured we were told that God never punishes, He just loves. And love knows to forget and forgive.

And lo ....I have no idea how and where these concepts fit in my Life. Never been that bad that would hurt someone so much that I could make them cry their heart out. I dont say I have been a saint with No Mistakes ...I am damn sure of my capacities of hurting some people unknowingly or unintentionally ..after all you can never please everyone on this planet.

I have no idea what I have been saying so long ..or if you can draw a "Moral of the Story" but one thing is sure I am not been able to put my inner most feelings and fears in words ever in my life time...and I guess I will never be able to!!!!!!


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Do We Really Love....

Just yesterday I read one of my friend's article where he mentioned that he would never understand what is love actually is! I had only one thing to say never understand love, you just love...

Loving someone is so simple and such a beautiful feeling. I had once read somewhere the definition of love. It said...
"Love ???? its kindda complicated, but I will tell you this... The second you are willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that is Love right there.

Majority of the times Love is mistaken as possessiveness.
Love never demands possession. It can find happiness in itself even though the two hearts stay miles apart. It is so simple to love someone. It is like building a strong based castle for someone you love when at the backside your whole life's construction is shattering into pieces, and at the end of it you are dancing with joy on the debris of your shattered dreams just because you finally finished the dream of your loved one.

Love is when you cannot find a single reason why you should be alive, but still you lead your life with a smile to make the important person in your life , happy. These things are not quotes that you will find in any book, they are the feelings that every person in love will always experience.

Love is Trust, trust in yourself and also in the person you love. When you love someone there is no place for suspicion. A small doubt in love never becomes a HUGE problem because love knows to forgive and forget.Its not how much you gain from the is how far can you go to give happiness to that person.


Friday, October 13, 2006

Matter Of Perspectives

Things were never the same in the last 20 years. For better or worse things and life went on takin topsy turvy curves and I was left helpless. But the spirit did not die. There was always a hope that said You are destined to be where you want, Hold On ....dont let it lose ...times will change.

In the last few years I realised that most of the things are based not on realities, but purely on perspectives. Its not what I was looking at ...Its how I looked at it. And it is a sad truth that many of us fail to realise it. If you just take a flash back on your life you may realise that most of the times that you had fights with your closed ones were so stupid that given a chance you would change the whole situation. But sadly that is another misconception, because changing the situation would not help us either.... Initially I used to fight and fight and then when my sissie used to tell me to be quiet for the moment, I used to insist on "why should I give up when I am right".Yeah I was right!...right from my point of view, the other person had something else to say. His or her experiences were different than mine and so the perspectives were different.

And then gradually I started realising that in all those situations I just needed to change my perspective. And if in case I cannot change the perspective I can atleast accept the other person's perspective gracefully!!!!!

Life is not a blck and white picture. Life is full of colours. If everyone starts liking one colour, Imagine the world would be such a boring place to live cant imagine !!!!!..Oh common ,, look at all those people you see every morning....OOPS they all are in the same coloured dress...and what the hell too are. Now I am sure you dont like the colour any more. he he ...Kidding